I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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