Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
