I got chris browned last night
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
barbara walters just said penis...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
