You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
