apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
