I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
