He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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