why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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