just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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