It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
