why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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