I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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