I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
