Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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