"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize