God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
