I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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