Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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