and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
