did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
