you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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