ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
