I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
