people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
