They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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