ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
