He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We talked him into tasing himself.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
