Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
