I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
