those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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