4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
