can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
