DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
