Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
