You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
