No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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