So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
