A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
