3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize