I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
