but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
