Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
