You made me cry and you don't even care
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
