Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
