So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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