Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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