A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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