awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
