you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
