She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
