I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
