i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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