Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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