I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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