Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
