i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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