Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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