Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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