Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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