I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
