It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
