She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
